The Breakdown - Premium Post - Writer's Workshop #3

How Not to Vampire - A Humorous Urban Fantasy - by Rodney V. Smith

Nov 20, 2020

Hello there! Today I’ve got Writer’s Workshop #3 for you. I want to thank Rodney V. Smith for letting me analyze the first five pages of his snarky and edgy urban vampire tale:

How Not to Vampire

Here’s a story summary:

Vampiring is HARD.
Things Bob has on his checklist when he accidentally becomes a vampire: a) forget everything he knows about vampires b) Google vampire survival tactics c) don’t get brutally murdered by vampires.
Apparently there are vampire LAWS, and Bob, a young, romantically challenged black man living in Toronto, never got the guidebook. Even though it’s not his fault that he’s broken every rule, a secret vampire society is hellbent on giving him a more permanent death. With the help of his best pal, Claude, Bob tries to stay alive and hopefully turn around his screwed-up existence in the process.

For those new to the newsletter, as far as these breakdowns, here’s the drill. While I might mention something cool that stands out, the main focus of this exercise is to look for areas of improvement. And while I’m drawing on years and years of story analysis and story development experience, these are just my opinions. It’s always up to the writer to take and use what works for them.

The “Top 3” I See:

Now that we’ve covered the summary, and I’ve read the first five pages, here are the top three issues that jumped out at me.

Again, this is for all five pages, not just the samples highlighted in this post. Readers can read these first five pages here.

Rhythm & Flow - You’d asked if pacing was an issue. And while the plot pacing is great, the density of the rhythm—of both the prose and internal monologues—is slowing down the pace of the story. It’s also smothering Bob's voice, and due to this, some of his humor. I recommend that you look for a more natural "conversational" rhythm to the narrative and dialogue and more prominently emphasize the spaces in between these elements in order to give the story a better flow. I’ll show you some examples of how you can do this down below.
Repetition - This became an issue on two fronts. The first is in the character of Tanya. You did a great job of making her compatriot, Doreen, interesting and dimensional, even though she doesn’t say much. Tanya, however, comes across as a caricature. We’ll take a look at how repetition comes into play there. There’s some other repetition that I felt was problematic, in terms of language that I’ll expound upon down below.
Character Introductions - I love that you start the story, in medias res. That’s my favorite sort of opening. And you introduce a lot of characters and a lot of their relationships, in rapid succession, in the first five pages (and the first chapter, really.) All that is great! However, some of the relationships were very unclear—not unclear in an intriguing way, but more of a confusing way—such that I found myself feeling a bit disconnected from the action and the scene.

Alrighty then! Given that overview, let’s dive deeper into your work and see how some of these issues can be addressed.

Rhythm & Flow

Okay, as I said above, pacing was indeed an issue. Not plot pacing, but the pacing of the prose and some of the internal monologues. So, I wanted to show you how you could find a more "conversational" rhythm to these elements and emphasize the spaces in between the prose and dialogue to give the story a better flow.

So, this is the scene on page one that could use some revising:

The scene beats felt off to me because of where some of the paragraphs broke and also because there were a few too many asides (essentially too much internal monologuing). So, it felt like there was a conversational rhythm to Bob's narration (and his internalization) that was getting lost. The scene beats weren't being spaced out enough to maximize Bob’s voice or his humor, so I suggest breaking up the prose and trimming back a tad.

Now, remember, I'm not saying you have to write it exactly like this, but this is the best way for me to illustrate what I'm trying to communicate.

Perhaps, the above section could read more like:

Just to add to the insult and confusion, there was something over my head. And through the pain and fog that had become my brain, I realized I should be freaking the fuck out.
I couldn’t see what was going on, but I could feel hands on both my legs, and holy shit, I was being dragged across the floor!
“Wait,” I mumbled instead of yelling something much more heroic and suddenly the dragging stopped.
But I didn’t have time to wonder what that meant before somebody punched me in the face, one, two, three times, adding to my ongoing head trauma.
“Ow,” I managed, and then whatever was on my head was ripped away.
I slowly blinked at the two very pissed-off women staring down at me, my brain trying and failing to connect the faces with names.
I was also desperately trying not to think about how I was lying there, wearing only my Superman skivvies and had somehow become a line from a Weezer song when, finally, something clicked--
“Tanya! Doreen!” I blustered as cheerfully as I could, which wasn’t much to be honest...

In the revised version, there are definitive beats happening: something being pulled over Bob’s head, the effect of that action, Bob’s reaction to what’s going on, his speaking up about it, the consequence of him speaking up…and so on.

Don’t be afraid to isolate those beats, instead of cramming them together in the same paragraph, so as the reader, we can really process them—experience them—as Bob does.

Just something to think about.

Repetition

In this next passage, I’m going to highlight another instance where shaping the prose to better fit the scene beats not only provides a better flow, but it also heightens the overall tension of the scene. As well, this segment points to some of the repetition issues I’d mentioned, so it’ll serve as a sort of two-for-one example.

Okay, I see two sections that could be trimmed for better flow.

The first:

A moment of clarity struck me. I looked from Doreen to Tanya and then back again, but there was no help from either of them. My brain had finally decided that this wasn’t a prank after all, and was now filling my body with a mixture of endorphins and adrenaline.

A panicked thought managed to break through, and I wracked my brain trying to remember if Jaime had spent the night or not. From the amount of light coming through the crack of the curtains in the living room, it looked to be around midday, so even if she had spent the night, she had already left for work, so there was no danger to her, right?

Right. One less thing to freak out about. Now about the other thing—

“Oh come on, you guys. Those aren’t my drugs,” I protested.

Could be streamlined to this:

A moment of clarity struck as I finally decided this wasn’t a prank after all. My body filled with a mixture of endorphins and adrenaline as a panicked thought broke through: Had Jaime spent the night, or not?
From the amount of light slanting through the curtains into the living room, it looked to be around midday, so even if she had spent the night, she'd have already left for work by now, so there was no danger to her, right?
Right!
Okay, one less thing to freak out about. Now, about the other thing—
“C'mon, guys. Those aren’t my drugs,” I protested.

See how it’s more conversational so we feel like we’re inside of Bob’s head? All the same information is being conveyed, and Bob’s personality and humor are preserved—I’d actually argue, in this case, enhanced—by culling the scene to just the primary beats so that this part feels more like a thought and less like an explanation.

Here’s the other section that could be streamlined:

Doreen mouthed something to me that looked like “Just tell her,” but it was hard to be sure.

The toilet flushed at that moment and we all froze while we each decided how to react to the sound, at the same time coming to terms with what the flush meant: there was someone else in the house.

“Who the fuck is that?” Tanya snarled. She motioned frantically to Doreen, who scurried over to the bathroom door and planted herself against the wall, lying in wait.

“JAIME! STAY IN THERE!” I yelled, and Tanya casually punched me in the nose.

Goddamit!

Could be streamlined to this:

Doreen mouthed something to me that looked like “Just tell her,” but it was too hard to be sure.
And then the toilet flushed, and we all knew what that meant.
There was someone else in the house!
“Who the fuck is that?” Tanya snarled as she motioned frantically to Doreen, who scurried over to the bathroom door and planted herself against the wall, lying in wait.
“JAIME! STAY IN THERE!” I yelled, and Tanya punched me in the nose.
Goddamit!

Okay, so here, we’ve not only streamlined the narrative, but we also increased the tension. Suspenseful scenes are almost always better when you employ a more staccato rhythm to the prose and the dialogue, a sort of “da-dum, da-dum, da-dum” pattern that keys the reader into the rising tension of the scene. In these cases, fewer words are better.

Earlier, I’d also mentioned there was another form of repetition that I felt was hindering the story. Well, it comes in two forms but ultimately has the same effect.

The first was your tendency to use very short action tags with Tanya, and not much else.

So, in the manuscript page that contains the above scene, you have:

Tanya snarled.
Tanya snapped at me.
Tanya growled.
Tanya snarled. (Again)

Now, other than “Tanya snapped at me” and probably the first “Tanya snarled,” you could either let the dialogue proceeding these moments communicate Tanya’s emotional state and just use “said” or an exclamation point, if you haven’t used too many already. Or you could just slide into the action.

So: “Cut the shit, and tell us where they are, dickwad.” Tanya growled. She reached into the back of her waistband and pulled out a nasty-looking handgun.

Becomes: “Cut the shit, and tell us where they are, dickwad!” Tanya reached into the back of her waistband and pulled out a nasty-looking handgun.

Lastly, as far as repetition…look, I’m all for a good “f-bomb”, here and there, especially in something as edgy and contemporary as this. But truth be told, I felt you had far too many of them, IMHO, and it started to make the scene feel very melodramatic and cartoonish, especially with all of Tanya’s growling and snarling. 😂

You don’t have to take them all out, just use them when they actually enhance and flavor the dialogue (think of it like a spice…used sparingly, it’s much tastier) and also when, in the narrative, it’s à propos to the moment. Basically, keep it to those good old-fashioned “Oh, F*ck!” or “WTF?” moments.

Character Introductions

As I’d mentioned, you introduce a lot of characters and a lot of their relationships in the first five pages. However, some of the relationships were very unclear—and not unclear in an intriguing way—but more of a confusing way, which left me feeling a bit disconnected from the action and the scene.

So, clearly Bob knows Tanya and Doreen, although you never say exactly how they know each other. One can assume from the context it’s because they’re all somehow involved in the drug trade and it sounds like they all have history together.

Normally, that kind of relationship ambiguity is fine, but then you mention Julio (who we never see or meet), and then you bring in Jaime (who you do fully introduce as the girlfriend), and then you introduce Claude (who’s a mysterious character, but the cloak of mystery around him is fine), and then you indicate that Jaime knows Claude well (but is it only through Bob, and how well?), and then you reveal Bob and Claude go way back (but we don’t really know in what capacity.)

So, I’m getting a deep sense of history between all of these players, but I’m not entirely feeling it, to be honest. I think that’s because there aren’t any specific references to how they know each other (except for Bob and Julio, oddly enough, and of course Bob and Jaime.)

So, by the end of it (dude, you cheated and sent me more than five pages 😂 — but I read them!), I felt like I wasn’t 100% invested in these characters yet. Like, the power and history of their relationships had been glossed over.

I think this is a relatively easy fix, if you can find just a few places to introduce a more significant hint at some of the characters histories together.

Something from Bob to Doreen or Tanya, indicating how they know each other or the nature of their past.
Later, when Jaime says to Claude, “You don’t get to talk to me Claude! I don’t even know who the fuck you are anymore!” - Just an extra line here, could help better illuminate their relationship and history.
A quip or comment from Claude to Bob, again, hinting at their history, beyond how far they go back.

I racked my brain to see if I could come up with an example for you, and it was a brief exchange I had with a TV producer that gave me a great example.

The First Scene from the Pilot Episode of ER

Okay, so what do we have here?

First, one of the best and most clever introductions of a TV character, ever! Note how Dr. Ross (George Clooney) is introduced: drunk, going on about his date thinking he’s a sexy pediatrician, and exhibiting general “badboy” behavior, all while telling the nurse the exact treatment he needs and being the highly capable professional he is (as far as skills are concerned.) Note - The next time we see him, after a brief nap, he’s totally on top of things, calling out orders and saving lives.
Every action and reaction from Dr. Greene (Anthony Edwards) communicating that this is a very regular occurrence and he could handle Dr. Ross’ drunken escapades, in his sleep.
And the most insightful moment (I’m going to leave out the “Dr.’s” here) -
Ross: How’s your beautiful wife? How’s Jennifer?
Greene: She’s fine, really.
Ross: You two settle your problems?
Greene: Yeah…yeah. Everything’s okay.
Ross: Hate to lose you in the ER.
Greene (friendly, nodding): Lie back…

Do you see how, from this exchange and from how Dr. Greene is handling the situation, you immediately know that these two go way back and are very, very good friends? All that communicated in just a few lines of dialogue.

Now, granted, some of this is also expressed in how the actors move and deliver their lines, but that intimacy can be incorporated into a narrative work through gestures and actions, like a well-placed look or sigh. It’s the reference to the wife that really cements it, really illuminates their connection. Very similar to the scene from the Walking Dead that I highlighted in Writer’s Workshop #1, now that I think about it—also a discussion of one character’s relationship with his wife. Hmm, interesting…🤔

Okay then, I think that about covers it as far as The “Top 3” I See! I hope you all find this review helpful! I know I’ve learned quite a bit, as I do whenever I roll up my sleeves and take a deep dive into another writer’s work. It’s a benefit to having an extra pair of analytical eyes. I know I’m terrible at seeing beyond the superficial weaknesses of my own work, so I can often find things that I can improve upon as a writer, by critiquing another writer’s story.

And lest you think I’m here to nitpick any writer’s story to death (although, truth be told, I always try to see the big picture when I do these), I did want to highlight a particular passage where you knocked it out of the park as far as addressing all three issues: a unique character introduction that flowed perfectly and communicated the humor you’d intended. It’s when you first introduce Tanya.

Tanya was short and mean and worked out a lot, but you could tell she skipped leg-day at the gym, with those spindly legs of hers and was all about the upper body. She was covered in tattoos, but only had one professionally-done, on her left shoulder. She made a point of wearing shirts that displayed it well. It was of a giant eagle on a Canadian flag and was literally labelled “Pride and Joy” just to sell the cliché. The rest had been home-jobs, each exhibiting varying degrees of skill from bad to what-the-fuck?

That one still cracks me up! 😂 😂 😂

So, that’s the end of the First Five Pages Review!

If you have any thoughts or questions, please leave a comment below.

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