The Breakdown - Premium Post - Query Letter Workshop #1

Query Review for a Young Adult Contemporary Fantasy

Nov 07, 2020

Well, I thought I’d have the next Writer’s Workshop: First Five Pages ready for you today. But between work, and quite honestly, the dumpster fire that is the U.S. election and the state of our democracy, I’m totally wrecked and found that I needed a little more time to get that review wrapped up. Plus, it’s not easy finding the perfect video clips as an enhancement to these reviews! 😁

So, in the place of that, I thought I’d share with you the first official Query Review I’ve done in a long time. I’ve done unofficial ones for friends over the past few years, but since I’ll be doing more of these, professionally, I felt it was a good opportunity to break down one of these reviews in case you have questions and so that we all have a chance to learn.

This is the case of an unpublished, but somewhat seasoned writer, who’d been honing her craft writing on the serialized fiction website, Wattpad, but has also had some success with a traditional publisher in a special-case scenario (we’ll get more into that later.)

In any event, this is her first time querying, and she’d asked for some input on her latest query draft. My goal was to help ensure that the query presented both her and her work in the strongest light possible, and to accentuate what made her, and her work, worth noting vis-à-vis the marketplace.

So, what we’ll do in this breakdown is look at her original query, my recommendations, and then the revised query she—with a bit more of my help—came up with in the end.

Note - Since the writer is still in the midst of querying, I’m publishing this with her permission with the identifying information redacted and only in full for Premium subscribers.

Original Query

Happily Ever Afters are just a wish away, and eighteen-year-old Zelda Ravensdale is determined to be one of the fairy godmothers granting those wishes. When heartbreak and wand troubles threaten to derail her final year at magical boarding school, Zelda assures herself that if she can graduate as first fairy, it will seal the fate of her own Happily Ever After.

To prove her mettle and regain her confidence, Zelda takes on a complicated wish from a Prince-in-Distress. All lonely and flirtatious crown prince Leo wants is to get rid of his title, but Zelda must make sure he keeps it. If Leo doesn’t ascend the throne, a group of ill-intentioned magicians will seize it and upset the delicate balance of magic in the modern world.

To save both the line of succession and Leo’s Happily Ever After, Zelda strives to show him that being royal isn’t so terrible. Unfortunately, the more time she spends with him, the more she falls for the future king (and his handmade pastries), but involvement with a wish-maker is taboo. If Zelda wants to be First Fairy, she must stick to her role as a side character in the fairy tale, even if that means losing Prince Charming forever.

I'm a freelance writer with a BA in marketing. The rough draft of [NAME OF BOOK] gained over 1.5 million reads on Wattpad, where I’m a Wattpad Star with over 14,500 followers on the platform. My adult novel, [NAME OF PREVIOUS WORK] was published in 2018 as an audiobook by Hachette Audio and Wattpad.

Recommendations

Okay, so a couple of things before we dive in. First, I gave the writer much more extensive notes than what I’m listing here, including my reasoning for the recommendations and sometimes alternatives she could choose from. So, this is just the high-level summary. Also, in my review, we did two rounds: the first where she incorporated all the feedback that made sense to her (which I’m happy to say was everything I’d proposed 😊), and then I helped her tweak the language of her revised version for both flow and clarity.

While there may be more tweaking the writer can/will do to this query, all in all, we both agreed she now has a much stronger query letter that better communicates the stakes and narrative drive of the story, as well as its appeal.

In fact, I’m so pleased as punch with how this query review went, I just have to humble-brag for a second. Here’s what the writer wrote to me after we were through:

Paula,
I just went through your suggestions tonight — all of which were so helpful — and it was great! THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH for all your help! Your feedback was concise and actionable, and I loved your thoughts on how to position this character-driven novel and include the high-stakes subplots too. I feel so much more comfortable and confident with my query!

Okay, so what were those suggestions? Well, after reading the writer’s story summary, it became clear there were key elements that were in the summary that hadn’t made it into the query. Also, the story narrative was getting muddled in the query and she wasn’t leading with her strengths as a writer.

Let’s dig into what I mean. Here are the key suggestions I made, and then we’ll look at her revised draft.

First, I reminded her of the state of the market. Agents, almost across the board, want to diversify their list of writers and the kinds of stories they tell. They’re actively seeking BIPOC and LBGTQ+ stories, BIPOC and LBGTQ+ writers, and issue-driven and socially relevant works. In this case, this particular writer and her work didn’t fit into any of those categories. However, there is also an overall leaning of the marketplace into lighter, more entertaining works that offer a sense of escapism from our very troubled times. So, I wanted her to be cognizant of both these current market conditions, so she could adjust her expectations, her submissions strategy, and also give agents and the market more time to circle back towards the kinds of stories she tells.

Next, and largely due to the above, I suggested that she lead with her USP (Unique Selling Proposition). In this case, it was that she’d had a previous story picked up by Hachette Audio and Wattpad and turned into an audio book. Yes, it was a special, limited project, but the fact that she was one of the authors chosen, out of thousands, for the project speaks to both her storytelling skills and her professionalism. Putting that information first, instead of last, entices an agent to read on, even if they’re not entirely enamored of your genre or premise.

I then had her add the basics to that opening paragraph: genre, word count, and comps. This is all critical information an agent needs to know, up front, before they invest any time in assessing your story. If none of these elements work for them, then it’s highly unlikely—even if they like your premise or plot—they’d request a submission to evaluate. They’re not reading queries just to find stories or writers they like and enjoy. They need to feel strongly that they can sell your work, and if it’s not where it needs to be, get a good sense of how much time and effort they could afford to invest in order to get it to where it needs to be.

One of the biggest issues I noticed in the original query was a lack of clarity in the storytelling (meaning - who did precisely what because of this or else that would happen.) So, in essence, the query was missing a unique protagonist with a clear goal, a clear motivation, taking clear action and reacting to a defined inciting incident, in order to avoid the high stakes consequences that would happen if the challenge facing them had not been met and overcome.
In this case, I went back to her story summary and discovered there was a family legacy hanging over the protagonist’s head, as well as a bitter rival chomping at the bit for that First Fairy position the protagonist so desperately wanted. So, boom! There we have both a clearly defined internal and external goal for the protagonist we can include in the query, instead of the low stakes, “heartbreak and wand troubles”, that were in the original draft.
Speaking of low stakes, there was a lot of language I suggested the writer tweak because it kept communicating low stakes throughout the entire query.
- So, instead of Zelda (the protagonist) “assuring herself” of her plan of action, she “believes” in it.
- And instead of Prince Leo wanting to “get rid of his title,” he wants to “abdicate his right to the throne and lead a much simpler life.”
- Instead of Zelda “striving to show Leo that being royal isn’t so terrible,” Zelda “must show him he has the strength to be the king his father believes he can’t be and the courage to protect his kingdom.”
- Instead of “a group of ill-intentioned magicians” wanting to seize the throne to “upset the delicate balance of magic in the modern world,” we have “a cabal of evil magicians” wanting to seize the throne to “legitimize the use of dangerous magic” thereby “upsetting the delicate balance of magic in the modern world.”
  Do you see the difference? Just as you would use strong verbs and nouns in your writing to better communicate the impact and power of a particular situation, you should also use this same language in your queries to communicate urgency, import, and high (and preferably “life or death”) stakes.

So, those were the major points I focused on in my review—plus, a few additional tweaks here and there. Let’s take a look at the revised query.

Revised Query

Dear [Agent]:

I'm a freelance writer with a BA in marketing, and my adult novel, [NAME OF PREVIOUS WORK] was published in 2018 as an audiobook by Hachette Audio. Because of [add agent personalization here], I’d love to submit my latest work to you. [NAME OF BOOK] is a 104,000 word, Young Adult Contemporary Fantasy, perfect for fans of quirky fairytale mashups and magical boarding schools such as in The School for Good and Evil, but set in our modern world.

“Happily Ever Afters” are just a wish away, and eighteen-year-old Zelda Ravensdale is determined to be one of the fairy godmothers granting those wishes. Zelda believes that if she can live up to her family legacy and graduate as First Fairy, it will seal the fate of her own Happily Ever After. But heartbreak, magic troubles, and a talented rival vying for that top spot, quickly threaten to derail her dreams.

To prove she’s First Fairy material and regain her confidence, Zelda accepts a difficult assignment from her headmistress: she must secure the Happily Ever After of the charming, but lonely, Crown Prince Leo. The prince desperately wants to abdicate his right to the throne and lead a much simpler life. But if he does, a cabal of evil magicians will seize the throne and legitimize the use of dangerous magic. To save the line of succession, the kingdom, and Leo’s Happily Ever After, Zelda must show him he has the strength to be the king his father believes he can’t be and the courage to protect his kingdom from those bent on upsetting the delicate balance of magic in the modern world.

Unfortunately, the more time Zelda spends with Leo, the more she falls for the future king, but involvement with a wish-maker is taboo. So, if Zelda wants to be First Fairy, she must stick to her role as a side character in this fairy tale, even if that means losing Prince Charming forever.

The rough draft of [NAME OF BOOK] gained over 1.5 million reads on Wattpad, where I’m a Wattpad Star with over 14,700 followers on the platform.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Final Thoughts

All-righty, then! So, that’s it! As I said, both the writer and I were very happy with the final product. And while no editor or reviewer can guarantee that their input will garner requests from an agent or ensure any kind of overall success, I know that the writer is much happier and confident with her query. And having been on the other side of the fence, I also know this query is stronger overall and stands a much better chance of getting the writer’s work considered, and hopefully, requested in the end.

I hope this Query breakdown has been helpful to you. As I mentioned before, the next Writer’s Workshop: First Five Pages review will be coming soon!

If you have thoughts or questions, hit me up with a comment!

The Breakdown