The Breakdown - Premium Post - Writer's Workshop #1

Something Out There - A New Adult, Zombie Apocalypse Story

I would like to thank Teace Findlay for being our very first workshop participant! It was an absolute honor reading your work.

So, here’s what (I think) the workshop structure will be going forward. It could change and evolve as we get more participants, but this is how it went with Workshop #1.

1. My feedback will be much more casual and less detailed than what I would normally give you as editorial feedback, were you a client. Since time and space are real constraints, it’s the best way for me to communicate issues I see, but there’s not a lot of room, or time, for me to come up with specific ways that you can fix them (which I would definitely try to do if you were a client of mine.) Think of the feedback in these workshops as getting the equivalent of a super-charged beta read (since you’ll be getting some of my gut instincts as well) with editorial insights, drawn from over 15 years working with story development.

2. My approach will be to talk about the “Top three issues I see in the sample you sent me,” which, heretofore, will be dubbed the The “Top 3” I See. (I’m just trying this title out…it may not last, lol.) In any event, they’re the top three issues that jump out at me and that could either use some tweaking, or in some cases, a complete overhaul. And while I may also comment on something that just blows me away, please note, I will not be focused on giving you compliments or stroking your ego. That’s not what this workshop is about. I’m assuming everyone who submits to the workshop can write or tell a story well. And as much as I’m a HUGE supporter of other writers, we’re going to focus on the nitpicky stuff here, unless it’s something really good that we can all learn from. I’m giving you this feedback, which at times may be painful, because I really, really want you to succeed.

3. There may, indeed, be occasions where I simply can’t come up with a Top 3. In that case, bravo! I’m more than happy to shout that out, and let’s get you querying or pitching or get your story to market…stat!

4. For those who bravely and kindly offer their work to be workshopped, you all can ping me any time with follow up questions and/or discussions.

All right, let’s dive in.

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The “Top 3” I See:

So, below, are the top three issues I see that might be holding your story back. I try to look at a work both through the lens of an editor, in terms of story structure and development, and also as a hypothetical agent or buyer, in terms of market appeal.

Since I’ve worked on the market side of the business and know the kinds of conversations these folks have behind closed doors—what they’re looking for, what tends to resonate with today’s marketplace, and what they don’t ever want to see again —I think that particular perspective will be helpful.

Let’s get started. Okay, so below are the three main issues I want to address in the first five pages of Something Out There, a New Adult, Zombie Apocalypse story by Teace Findlay.

1. Despite absolutely loving your opening line, as an opening overall, there’s simply not enough tension here. - This is a post-apocalyptic story with zombies, so tension is crucial! The genre expectations are for fast pacing and full immersion, and those elements simply weren’t evident. Truthfully, you might be opening your story in the wrong place, but I’m just going to address what you’ve submitted.

2. So, now…what are the stakes, exactly? (See my note above about this being a post-apocalyptic zombie story.) - For this genre, in particular, the stakes need to be high and they need to be high from the get-go…or as early as humanly possible. But we’ll address that more below.

3. Now, about these characters? - Overall, I’m digging Macy, I am. Truth be told, I’m ambivalent about Eric, but I’m willing to assume that I just haven’t seen enough of his personality yet. In either case, I think your character introductions could be much, much stronger.

Alrighty then, let’s do a deeper dive.

Lack of Tension

So, in the first five pages, to be honest, I found the whole opening to your story far, far too chill. As I mentioned before, there are expectations for this genre, and every post-apocalyptic story I’ve read (or film or TV show I’ve seen) opens with tension, action, or ideally, both. Occasionally, you’ll see a quieter opening, but hands down, it’s used to introduce a complex character or establish very high stakes.

Before we get going, let me quickly summarize the story, so far, before we look at specific examples.

Story Summary - So essentially, Eric, your main character has been holed up in his apartment for either two months or three years (honestly, it wasn’t that clear to me) while the zombie apocalypse has happened outside. He was a loner to begin with, but obviously, he’s become even more isolated, given the state of the world.

He looks out his apartment window and sees Macy, a woman roughly his age, being a badass and going all “Walking Dead” with a bat on a gaggle of zombies. She comes up to the apartment to save him and take him on this very dangerous journey to a shelter where other refugees are housed.

Okay, so, that’s the high-level summary. Now, I’m posting the first page for context, but I’ll be addressing the story as told over all five pages.

Okay, so here are the questions that immediately popped into my head and/or had me confused. Again this for all five pages, not just this first one. Readers can read these first five pages here:

1) So, Macy goes up to Eric’s apartment to save him simply because she saw him on the balcony??? While I’m not knocking that premise, the first time I read it, I thought that they knew each other from before because there was no immediate threat bringing them together (you know, like zombies banging down his door). And also there was little to no tension between them when they met. I had to reread the opening to understand that she was a complete stranger to him. Honestly, it felt like Eric had just invited a friend over to hang out for a while, but I’ll get more into that below.

2) I understand that they can’t leave right away so they have to pass the time overnight; however, to have Eric ask Macy if she wanted to watch a movie or play a game just reinforced that “friend hanging out for the night vibe” I was getting before. Now, while I can see Eric asking Macy that question because he’s an awkward lad, there was no awkwardness in the moment, and Macy kind of just blows him off, and responds, “Nah…I’m good.” And that felt…well, odd.

3) There was a lot of telling and exposition, and I mean, A LOT. Here’s an example.

Macy explaining their need to establish a new shelter, in the example above, would be fine, if they were doing something else. The fact that this exposition is delivered while they’re just standing in Eric’s kitchen makes the scene feel very static.

And then the part where Macy warns Eric the journey is going to be rough feels like this is plot that we should actually see. I know you’ll get to it eventually, but as a reader, I don’t want a character laying it all out there like that for me like that. It takes all the fun out of it! So, that’s just one example of where you can pull back on the telling.

Higher Stakes

While you don’t have to open a story in the middle of an action scene in order to create tension, you should have at least some conflict and/or tension in your scene. This could be subtext, and it doesn’t even have to be related to the main conflict of the plot, but it should be there or else your story is starting off with a whimper, not with a bang. For example, in your opening, Macy says to Eric, essentially, “Hey, you don’t know me from Adam, but you gotta leave your messy but comfy digs and come with me.” And Eric’s, like, “Yeah! Okay, sure!” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I mean, while there’s a little uncertainty there, there’s certainly no intense questioning or pushback. And while you can take a quieter approach to your opening, as you’ve chosen to do, some element of tension is still key to the scene.

Now, for these workshops, I’m going to try to use clips of TV shows or films to illustrate my points (when I can find them) because it’s easier to snag those examples and share them. But please know you can always achieve the same effect with prose, you might just have to come at things a little differently.

Let’s take a look at the opening scene to the very first episode of The Walking Dead. It provides an amazing example of how to quietly establish tension and very high stakes (which we’ll talk about next.)

“The Walking Dead - Opening of Pilot Episode”

Let’s look at what makes this opening work so well.

1. The eerie violence conveyed by the overturned cars and rotting bodies, juxtaposed against the utter silence of the environment.

2. The “No Gas” sign and the abandoned gas station vis-à-vis Rick (the sheriff and main character) holding a tiny gas can as he makes his way through the wreckage. You know he’ll be in deep, deep trouble soon if he can’t find some gas.

3. The fact that Rick has to shoot that little girl because she turns out to be a Walker. Just heartbreaking.

So, we’re less than five minutes in, and I don’t know about you, but I feel for Rick…hard. Tension - check! Stakes - check! This scene hits the mark.

Character Introductions

Like I said, I dig Macy. Eric, however, is not making a huge impression on me—although you plant a really great seed that’s not fully leveraged when you mention that he grew up knowing tough times. But even with the characters as they are, the question is: can you introduce them in a more interesting way?

Let’s look at another great scene from The Walking Dead pilot episode.

“The Walking Dead - Third or Fourth scene of Pilot Episode”

What do we learn in this clip?

1. Well, we get a really good picture of Shane (Rick’s deputy) and his personality—and, wow, he’s a dick!

2. Notice, about 1:48 minutes in, how Shane turns the conversation in a different direction to ask about Rick’s relationship with his wife, Laurie? (There’s actually some foreshadowing there.) And then, Rick deflects by joking about how his wife is actually very good at turning off the lights (referencing their previous conversation.) And then, Shane says, kind of under his breath as he looks away: “That’s not what I meant.” And then they go deep. Oh, wow! It’s amazing how, in that one little moment, through Shane posing the question, his actions, and Rick’s deflection and then capitulation, you get not only a wonderful understanding of who these characters are, as individuals, but also a better understanding of the nature of their relationship. Masterpiece, right there.

3. The third tidbit we learn is the fact that Rick’s marriage is in trouble. (See note above for a spoiler. :-)

Now, back to the submission. While Eric and Macy are strangers, so they wouldn’t be having a conversation this deep, neither of their personalities come through in their current exchange. For Macy, it’s like she left her “badassery” at the door; and for Eric, while you tell us about the state of his life before this catastrophe, we don’t really see any of the effects or evidence of it in his demeanor.

Here’s an example. When they first introduce themselves, the scene starts off fine, with Macy’s indelicate reaction to the state of Eric’s apartment and then his subsequent embarrassment. But then, they slide into this oddly, and overly, polite greeting. It just saps any tension right out of that scene.

But, you actually had the key to how Eric, in particular, should be reacting in this moment when he says: “I didn’t think there was anyone alive out there.”

Well, if that’s the case, where are all the intense emotions stemming from his discovery that he’s not alone? Why is he so casual about this beautiful, badass woman coming to whisk him away? And where’s the urgency for Macy in coming up to get him? You hinted at that as well when you have Eric say: “I’d wondered why they (the other survivors) would…come all the way back here just for people they didn’t know.”

No part of that sentiment is addressed or explained in the opening. If it’s just because that’s the kind of person Macy (and by proxy, the group of survivors) is, then that’s cool. But show us why this is the case in Macy’s dialogue or actions.

I highly encourage you to watch the whole pilot episode of The Walking Dead if you haven’t seen it, or re-watch it with a critical eye if you have. It establishes both characters and the post-apocalyptic world, very, very well.

Lastly, I also managed to find an example for you that maps more closely to your story in that it’s a quieter opening, and it’s almost all telling (largely because the main character is alone, but I also think it might be the writer’s style.) It’s I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. It’s a vampire story, but vampire and zombie stories often share similar worlds and tropes. You can use Amazon’s “Look Inside” feature to read the first chapter, or in this case, the first chapter is included on the book profile page.

Now, I’ll be honest, this story’s opening wouldn’t get me excited if I were an agent or an editor. But that’s somewhat a function of the times (It was written in 1954 and today’s openings are much more dynamic) and somewhat a function of my personal taste (I love intense, in medias res type openings.)

However, there were two things that struck me that you could also draw from the I Am Legend example:

1. There’s this very visual line that helps the character really come to life: “He walked around the house in the dull gray of the afternoon, a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, trailing threadlike smoke over his shoulder.” So, more of those type of details for your setting and characters would add an additional dimension to your story.

2. The fact that we meet the main character while he’s doing something very significant to this new world, even though the action seems mundane, is key. A more active and world-relevant opening engages the reader, and it also educates them to the “new world” and its rules so they feel more invested.

Final, final bit - Did you know there’s an entire category on Amazon, dedicated to the Post-Apocalyptic Science Fiction genre?

Do leverage the “Look Inside” feature to explore some of the story openings on the bestseller list, preferably of traditionally published books, since you plan to query this story.

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Well, alrighty then! Thus, we conclude our very first writer’s workshop. I’ll be honest, this was a heck of a lot longer than I thought it would be, but if I do these monthly, I think I can continue to do them as in-depth and comprehensively as this. I don’t know…fingers crossed.

In any event, I hope this has been helpful to both the author and other readers interested in strong story development. I think the more we can break stories—and especially story openings—down, the stronger we can rebuild them as a part of the experience.

Teace, I know you said the story was headed for an anthology, so don’t stress too much about changes for that, if the deadline is close. I do, though, want to push you to work to make the opening stronger and “hookier” before querying. The bar is so terribly high for traditional publishing that openings, in particular, really have to knock it out of the park.

P.S. I gave Teace a sneak preview of her critique today and her first words were - “Absolutely love it!” She’s got a little one to care for, so hopefully she’ll be by later with more feedback for us on the workshop!

Dear Reader - If you’re interested in submitting either a query or the first five pages of your work for next month’s workshop, please fill out this form. (Note - You must be a premium subscriber, either paid or comped, in order to submit a sample.)

And, don’t be shy! Feel free to let me know your thoughts about the workshop in the comments below. The more I hear from y’all, the more I can improve the experience for everyone. Or, conversely, if you found you got a lot out of this, then please let me know, and I’ll be more motivated to continue doing them in the future. 😁

Best,

Paula