The Breakdown - Premium Post - Writer's Workshop #2

The Misfit Architects - A Sci-Fi Adventure - by Hannah El Hamalawy

Sep 11, 2020

Hello there! Today we’ve got our Writer’s Workshop #2 here on The Breakdown. I want to thank Hannah for letting us review her latest work and letting us dive deep into the details of her story:

The Misfit Architects by Hannah El Hamalawy

Here’s a story summary.

A mountain spaceship, holding prisoners captive for six months; a bureau that designs reality for the citizens of Integral One; an escaped architect lands on Earth — Follow the journies of Ayra, Horace, Atlas and Aurelia as they set about breaking the matrix of creation in order to create a world that is truly free.

I think we know the drill about how these workshops go, but for anyone new—the focus of these workshops is to find three things about a work the writer can improve. Occasionally, I’ll mention something cool that stands out, but my aim is to look for areas of improvement. And while I’m drawing on years and years of story analysis and story development experience, these are just my opinions. It’s always up to the writer to take and use what works for them.

Okay, with that, let’s dive in…

So, I’m going to be totally honest with you. I LOVE, love, love your story title. It’s unique, and it’s evocative. What, exactly, your story is about is still unclear to me, though. From your summary (which I snagged from your Wattpad publication because I forgot to add it to the form—my bad. 😬), there’s a lot going on here, but not one clear what we call “throughline.” You’re not answering the key questions: Who’s the protagonist (beyond just a name?) What’s their concrete goal? What’s preventing them from reaching that goal? What, precisely, are the stakes if they don’t reach that goal?

Right now, I’m drawing my expectations about the story from the summary above. I’m expecting a space drama with lots of tension, high stakes, and perhaps some danger. You’ve laid out some big goals for the group (From your summary, I’m assuming this is an ensemble story?), but I will admit these goals are very vague: “matrix of creation,” “a world that’s truly free,” etc., etc.

I get the gist of the story, so I can work with this, but I still feel like I’m going in blind.

The “Top 3” I See:

Okay, now that we’ve covered the summary, and I’ve read the first five pages, here are the issues that jumped out at me.

Again, this is for all five pages, not just this first one. Readers can read these first five pages here.

POV - Starting out your story very grounded in the main character’s point of view is critically important—unless you’re writing from an omniscient viewpoint. This is especially important in the first few pages, most certainly in the first page if your protagonist makes an appearance. So, you want us to know where we are and who we’re dealing with, as well as make us feel like we’re either deep within the protagonist’s head or deep within their skin. The more distance that exists between the reader and the protagonist in the beginning of your story, the harder it’s going to be to hook that reader in.
Worldbuilding - When you’re dealing with Fantasy, History, or Sci-Fi, especially, you want to introduce story and setting elements that make your world identifiable as well as unique. It’s a delicate balance—you want enough to communicate that we’re not in the world we know and are familiar with, but we don’t want to lose or overwhelm the reader with a mass of foreign details. Frankly, you didn’t do enough worldbuilding in the beginning to really suck me into the story and make me feel like I’m dealing with another world. You did some, but not enough.
Info Dumping - Information dumping is a tough one to tackle, especially for newer writers. How you deal with exposition often affects reader engagement and pacing, and that’s what I’m seeing here. I’ll get into it more in the detailed analysis, but one of the issues I’m seeing is a repetition of beats—meaning that you’re conveying important aspects of the story, over and over again, but in slightly different ways each time. This is something I recommend writers not worry too much about in a first draft but rather tackle in their edits, since by that point, you have a more thorough understanding of your work and can better decide which beats to keep and which to discard. Info dumping is an issue almost all writers deal with, so we’ll look more closely at your example to see how this issue can be tackled better.

Alrighty then…given that overview, let’s dive deeper into your work and see how some of these issues can be addressed…

POV

So, let’s post your first page and 1/4 so we can take a closer look at how you’ve used POV to set up the opening scene.

Misfit Architects - Opening Scene

First, I really like the staccato rhythm in the first paragraph, especially because you’re trying to portray a sense of disorientation here. However, especially with the first three paragraphs, things go sideways…fast.

And though I love the rhythm, that whole segment is too short and far too confusing. Let’s break this down a bit:

Mountains. A large ship takes off. Strange air.
— Nicely done. Lovely rhythm. This shows off your writer voice quite well.
We wake up inside what looks like a massive nightclub with dark corridors and crazy looking twenty year olds stacked on top of each other. People act drunk.
— Okay, aside from the grammatical errors, which I left in, you’ve totally lost me by this point in the story. I mean, yeah sure, there are definitely dark corridors and crazy, drunken twenty-year-olds in every nightclub on earth (or in space), but what you’ve described is generic and definitely leaves me wanting more as far as scene description. Can you give us more sensory details to help ground us better in the scene? Address questions like—Are there flashing blue lights? Murmuring voices, echoing off metallic walls? Techno-music playing in the background? And what’s with the people-stacking??? Seriously, I’m picturing piles and piles of twenty-year-olds, physically stacked, one on top of the other, out in the halls. 😂 I really don’t think that’s the image you want to project.
I tell Mum and Iym - pronounced iim - to stick together. I feel dizzy and disoriented.
— First of all, in terms of a natural character reaction, I would think that you’d want to lead with the “I feel dizzy and disoriented,” first; and THEN, “I tell Mum and Iym to stick together.” It’s more organic that way, especially in this type of disorienting situation. Start with the feeling and then move into the action. Also, it feels very odd for the protagonist, as the narrator, to tell us how to pronounce another character’s name. That’s breaking the “fourth wall,” which you can do as an author, but it should be a stylistic choice, not done out of a need to convey exposition.

Okay, let’s dive a bit deeper.

So, while I try not to snag bootleg video, this was the only one I could find from the opening scene of Episode 1 of a show called Dark Matter. I really wanted to use it because it mirrors your story’s environment so closely (minus the impromptu fight scene in the TV show.) Here’s a description of the show to get you started:

A group of six people awaken from stasis with no memories of who they are or how they got on board. Facing threats at every turn, they have to work together to survive a voyage charged with vengeance, betrayal, and hidden secrets.

Okay, let’s watch the first few minutes of the clip. (Note - YouTube seems to be disabling the playback feature on third-party sites, so you may have to follow the link and watch the clip there.) After you watch it, let’s take a closer look at what they did in the scene, before the title sequence, and how this can help you improve your writing.

Alrighty then! Let’s break down that opening scene a bit.

First, what do we see and hear in the opening scene? Well, we see flashing lights; we see sparks; we hear an incessant alarm in the background. It all communicates danger. And while your scene is slightly different, you still want to communicate the exact state of the character’s world and environment through your setting. So, what sights and sounds can better communicate the ambiance of a nightclub in your story, even though that’s not where your main characters are?
Second, what’s the first thing the characters do when they wake up? They physically orient themselves. They gasp for breath; they look around frantically; they try to make sense of what they see. Make note of the physical state your characters would be in, coming out of stasis, and use that as a part of your description.
Third—skipping the fight scene in the show—what comes next for the characters in the clip? Well, they kick into action, don’t they? They try to figure out who they are, where they are, and how to deal with the immediate situation at hand—a space ship out of control.

And this leads to the second issue I see with your opening.

Worldbuilding

All right. Aside from not grounding the reader in your protagonist’s POV, the worldbuilding in your story opening is very slight and rather confusing. I get that we’re on a spaceship and that our main characters are waking up out of stasis, so at a very high level, that works. Then, you mention something about this being a spaceship full of prisoners in the story summary. Yeah…so….other than that the passengers are being drugged, I assume to keep them passive (?), I’m not getting any sense that this is a prisoner ship—or more precisely, that folks are trapped on the ship in a sort of indentured servitude, which is what I think you’re really trying to convey.

For example, the references to Coronas as currency (Unfortunate timing with that term, btw. You might want to change that) and the mention of the “Ship Member Council Staff” both clue us into this being a world separate from ours. Everything else about this opening, though, makes it feet like the family is flying economy class on a 747. Maybe first class, given that you reference the “Hostess” and she makes references to a Luxury Bathroom, which is odd for a prisoner ship.

In any event, this opening falls short because it doesn’t paint a clear enough picture of your world (Who are all the other people on the ship? Why is the family on the ship in the first place? They’re being drugged but also served (and charged) for sandwiches and sodas? Why???) You’re also not setting up the story conflict very well. What about this situation is dangerous? Where’s the tension for the family?

Now, you don’t want to dive heavily into thick exposition, but you do need to paint a more detailed, logical, and precise picture of this world for your reader. And that leads me to the third issue…

Info Dumping

So, I don’t watch a ton of Sci-Fi, but I just happen to have another clip of a show that’s actually relevant to your story. Granted, it’s a bit heavy-handed in the exposition department (with the whole Chancellor’s video announcement), but notice how it also weaves in other bits of backstory, throughout, that tell us more about the characters and about their histories.

This is from a show called The 100.

All right. Woven in between the Chancellor’s speech what other bits of story do we get?

RANDOM KID (Yells out): Your dad’s a dick, Wells!
— This tells you that the dude sitting next to Clarke, our protagonist, is the Chancellor’s son, Wells. He’s also not very well-respected among the other teens on the ship…understandable given who he is and the fact that they’re all juvenile delinquents.
CLARKE: Wells, why are you here?
WELLS: When I found out they were sending prisoners to the ground, I got myself arrested. I came for you.
— Well, now we know who Wells is crushing on. And we also know his love is unrequited.
FINN: You’re the traitor who‘s been in solitary for a year.
CLARKE: You’re the idiot who wasted a month of oxygen on an illegal spacewalk.
FINN: But it was fun…(He cracks a smile)…I’m Finn.
— Now, there was a teaser, before this clip, where we saw Clarke in solitary confinement; but technically, you didn’t need it—not for the purposes of communicating the protagonist’s current predicament. The teaser before this served more as emotional backstory than plot backstory, so how her prison record is handled here is fine. Plus, with just a few lines, we get an introduction to the resident rogue of the story.

From this clip, you also get a sense of the stakes for the passengers on the ship, and that’s important too. Via the Chancellor’s message, you essentially learn that: The kids are considered expendable. They’re being dropped to earth, and it’s going to be really dangerous for them. And they’re being used as an experiment to see if humans can repopulate the earth. Oh, and they’d also better get themselves to Mount Weather, pronto, or else they’ll die! Now, those are what I call story stakes!

And all the above is effectively communicated in the space of five minutes. That’s about the equivalent of five script pages in total. Now, writing a novel is different, but it also means you’ve got even more room to do your worldbuilding, establish your protagonist (I’m not even sure we know her name), and establish stronger stakes for your story.

So, instead of spending so much time on the price of food, explaining what’s in the “Vitamines,” and eating sandwiches, it feels like that whole section of your story could be condensed.

For example, when the brother asks what’s in the pills they’re being given and the Hostess answers "Vitamines" and shrugs her shoulders, I think you can go straight to the protagonist indicating to her family not to consume the pills (there’s your scene threat right there, your level of danger), and then cut straight to the protagonist asking about going to the bathroom (this is her explicit action, trying to take control of the situation.) Boom, boom, boom…no dillydallying, no filler, no extraneous dialogue. Those three story beats tell us: 1) We’re being drugged not fortified with vitamins 2) DON’T swallow the pills and 3) As the protagonist, I’ve got to get a better handle on what’s going on here and what sort of danger we’re in. I’ve got to see more of the ship.

It’s this kind of streamlining that keeps the action focused on only the important story beats and improves the story pacing overall. (See the story notes in the annotated version I’ll send you for the exact bit I’m talking about.)

Finally, when asked what concerns you had about the story opening, you said:

I‘m concerned that the first scene is too long since the so-called ’Architects’ do not appear until a little later. There are multiple story lines which emerge a few pages after the initial five when the plot begins to thicken.

I think this is a valid concern, especially with the weak worldbuilding. As a reader, I want to know who these Architects are and what they mean in your world!

Also, in the cutthroat world of publishing, where attention spans (of both the readers and gatekeepers) are very, very short, for the crucial part of your story to get introduced, say ten pages in, is way too late.

I get the sense that, while your story may be starting in the right place, you only need to communicate the very basics of your story in the first page or two (Who’s the protagonist? Where is she? Why is she here? And what, exactly, is at stake?) And then the following important story beats can be communicated much more succinctly, later.

For example, this part is all you really need to communicate several key story beats:

I look back at the hostess. "How, do I get access to HQ?"
"By collecting points," she appraises my look with disapproval, "rendered through the provision of services to the Ship Member Council Staff, the Semcas." She looks at me again, annoyed. "Talk to the guards when you see them, you must bow, most respectfully and say: 'Dear, Semcas, I willingly render you my services.' Do not forget else they will punish you." She shudders. I notice a faded scar just beneath the hairline over her left eyebrow.

Here, you’ve effectively communicated: That there’s a Council the protagonist will have to be beholden to; there’s a defined process to currying their favor; and it’s dangerous if you don’t do it right.

Well done!

When I mentioned, in the summary at the beginning of the review, about streamlining your story beats so you don’t slow the story pacing, this is what I’m talking about. I’m going to guess that, as a reader, this is all we really need to know about the Semcas at this particular point in time.

So, in short, let’s get to these Architects! That is, by far, the most intriguing aspect of your story, and I don’t even know who or what they are! But as an agent, editor, or reader this concept of Architects (whether space, reality, or metaphysical) is very different. It’s intriguing, and it’s why I’d want to check out your story over others in the genre, so introduce me to those Architects…stat!

Well, I hope this review has been helpful, Hannah! And thanks again for submitting your work!

Dear Reader - If you’re interested in submitting either a query or the first five pages of your work for the next writer’s workshop, please fill out this form. (Note - You must be a premium subscriber, either paid or comped, in order to submit a sample.)

And, don’t be shy! Feel free to let me know your thoughts about the workshop in the comments below.

The Breakdown

The Breakdown - Premium Post - Writer's Workshop #2

The Misfit Architects - A Sci-Fi Adventure - by Hannah El Hamalawy

The “Top 3” I See:

POV

Worldbuilding

Info Dumping

Discussion about this post